Funny how life can go. A few weeks ago all was in tatters and even though things are still kinda the same a certain song can bring up your spirits, friends can make you feel normal and laughter can bring about your smile again. Still jobless, still the guilty feeling of making someone feel worse, still low in oneself on how life hasn’t changed much however over a few days I have had some laughs. Meeting old friends and remembering old times and even though a lot has happened and compared to my child hood things seem be be like a time capsule repeating itself but I have come along way. Snaps from friends that day to day life can be good even if it’s the simple things. And today a mountain walk (well a hill walk, that felt like a mountain) with a family member makes a lot of difference. Standing at the top of a glorious view looking at how beautiful the world around can be can change someone perspective on life. We all live, some just exist, some break the boundaries and some like me even though we have a downfalls, our days were it’s seems like we can see through the mist we keep fighting. We keep going no matter what the world throws at us and no matter how far we fall, we climb back up again. Each day is a anew one and although things seem the same the little corner of my mind where the guilt or what has happened still remains I will keep fighting and find my way through the black clouds
Tuesday another day, no job, no interviews and no motivation. Sitting on the couch mind clouded. Thoughts rushing through but none making sense. Boredom, no train of though and no energy. How is it possible to be so tired from nothing, from having no motivation. Weekend has gone and was good to be out to have fun, to meet friends and be in the mix of life. Weekdays trailing sites for jobs, trying to write but concentration prevents real reading material. The mind races with thoughts of what ifs and when will it all turn around. Empty thoughts that all lead to nowhere. There isn’t even a fork in the road of the thoughts, there is no end in sight. Boredom, no motivation and failure to see through the black cloud. Tomorrow’s another day maybe something new will happen. Maybe the tides will change or maybe just another day of empty thoughts.
Another day and the mind is in battle, with itself and with reason. How does one fix what is so broken??? How do I right the wrong??? And the other side is screaming Let It Go. I have wronged and I cannot see through the black cloud I have created to clean away the dust that remains. Each day that passes I am still tortured by my own destruction, by my own actions that just go on repeat. A loop that just can’t seem to be broken never has something bothered me so much, never has it stuff with me in this way. Yes I have in the past of my destruction tried to fix it and make amends tried to find my way back to the ground, and if I can’t I walk away. I have always hated if anyone has a bad taste from me cause I am not a bad person. I try to always do good, help out anyone I can. I would even give the last money in my purse to help someone out and have done my fair share of helping those who people say don’t deserve it but someone has to help them. Someone has to show a kind hand an open heart. Yet I do what I have done and feel a failure, feel like I should never try and help anyone ever again. Feel I should just shut myself from the world and close my heart for good. I know I should just leave well alone but this is just sticking with me. It is bothering me so much where I still can sleep right, eat or stop every bone in my body feeling limp. My mind is screaming at me to fix it but how and then it’s screaming leave it alone but I can’t shake this horrible feeling that I could ever make someone feel stressed or worse. My mind will torture me until I can break the cloud, until I can make the rain deminise it or until it gets to the point of no return and my mind wins the torture…….. Will I ever be able to fix it and ever feel normal again?????
How to even start on this one….. My ‘Inner Demon’ is myself and i know anyone reading will be wonder what is this one on about well let me tell you about it… I am a single mother, seperated and in my late 30’s. now i get the complements and all that but i never been with a man who hasn’t wanted something or hurt me in some way. Abused, beaten, controlled and mind f**ked by nearly every man i have ever met. Now some say this is the kind of man you go for or its your own fault and in a way i guess both can be true and before anyone goes off on one, no one deserves any of this but i think in your own mind like mine the good never go for someone like me so the bad maybe what i am drawn too. Since a very young age i was beaten and abused so maybe my mind set is stuck in that frame of a person i should be with. My ‘Inner Demon’ acts out when anyone good comes along and destroys it, for example….Recently met a guy who was well yonger, fit, hot and well probably out of my league yet he choose me. things were going ok and he had a tradegy in his family and this is where my demon comes in… I never really connect with people and as from this i love to write, well i had it all in one with this guy. He was into writing too, the same tv series i was into and so on. Now it was about being with him forever or anything like that cause that may or may not have happened however i found someone that i thought this is a friend, this is someone that if things didn’t work out you still have a friend to share the writing with, to ask advise on, to see if he can help and to have a laugh about tv and video games and stuff like that. Well I hit the self destruction button before it even started. Like i said a tradegy so he was in a bad place but i continued to check to see if he was ok asked his friend who i know would have made sure he was looked after but still asked him to make sure he was ok. I wrote him a letter, printed it and took a pic and sent it too him, now i knew he would love this cause he too was into writing so he said cool for trying to help him through but then started answer stuff i had wrote which was never the intention. My only intention ever was to distract him for even a moment in reading this. So feeling bad i apologized said that wasn’t my intention and wrote another to state this. So i still continued to message to see if he was ok and again wrote another letter, in this one explained how hard this would be and how going forward things would be difficult and stuff like that. Now i know i was writing things to bring back what happened but i know the emotions he would have went through so i was trying to prepare hi. However this was the worst thing ever as he wasn’t happy i was bringing every back to him and not aiding him only making him feel worse. Standing in a busy shop i read this message from him how i was making it worse and i nearly got sick, i started to cry with people around me as i felt my heart drop that i could make some one feel worse that the loss he was already feeling. My reaction, my self destruction was to tell him to block me cause i didn’t think i just reacted to the fact that could remind someone of there loss and was stressing them out and making them feel worse than they were. But still i message the next day to say i over reacted about the blocking and i was so sorry i was trying to help not hurt and no matter what i would still text to see was he ok. But then i was blocked. A few days later my instagram when funny added him and sent out spam mails, now instead of just doing nothing deactivating instagram i had to send another message to say wasn’t me and blah!! Blah!! sorry, sorry and then i was blocked on insta.
Since then i can see i should have laid it back abit, my what i thought was help cause the thought of anyone going through such pain breaks my heart sent me into an over drive of none thing and none helping. I haven’t eaten much, slept much or done much or anything. I even avoided people for a while for fear of being asked anything incase i said the wrong thing.
I don’t know how to handle the nice, how to take the compliments how to deal with someone wanting me thats not there to hurt me. Late 30’s mom i don’t feel like what people say. i do get compliments on how young i look and thin i am for a mom and i always smile I hide everything cause thats the only way i have ever known since a young age to deal with anything. To work it out in my own head and never show it. I don’t feel pretty, i don’t feel young and i don’t feel like i should be loved and my fear is never finding it, and if i do will i do what i have always done, what my inner demon does and self destruct on it????????
I met someone who i only went on 3 dates with but weither or not it would have worked out I lost what could have been a good friend, a writing buddy………